adminThe US Government has been studying the impact of Russia’s recent aggressive land grab in the Ukraine and finally issued it’s long awaited policy statement which unexpectedly changed its stated policy on the matter. President Obama held a press conference Monday and set out the details of the new position.
“To be honest, we just never realized how easy it was to grab more land,” he said with a chuckle. “We looked at it and suddenly we realized, if the Russians are going to do it – why can’t we?” He then announced that the US was now planning to follow the Russian’s lead and annex most of Canada.
“We figured, hell. If they’re going to take the Ukraine, let’s just take Canada,” the President stated bluntly. “That’s way better anyway. And what are the Canadians going to do? Send in the Canadian army? Does anyone know if Canada even has an army?” he asked nearby staffers, who scrambled to find the answer. “And don’t worry,” he said emphatically. “We’re only taking the good parts of Canada. Like Toronto and Vancouver. And maybe we’ll get the places that produce maple syrup. I don’t know about Quebec yet. It’s got all those French people. Seems like it’s more trouble than it’s worth to be honest.”
Reaction in Canada was mixed.
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Republicans on Capitol Hill expressed some initial surprise, but were then quick to criticize the plan.
“I thought we already owned Canada,” a confused Paul Ryan stated when told of the declaration. When informed that it was a separate country, he shook his head and scowled. “In that case, I’ll have to think about it. Since it’s the President’s idea, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate it. I just have to figure out why and get back to you.”
American sentiment was mixed. A poll of US citizens revealed that 6% thought the annexation of Canada was a good idea. Another 5% thought it was a bad idea. A full 22% of respondents had never heard of Canada. Over 45% expressed concern that the move would interrupt regularly scheduled programming. A majority agreed that the move would have a positive impact on the US national junior hockey program.