adminGovernor Chris Christie of New Jersey trumpeted a new report this week that he claims exonerates him in the ongoing Bridgegate scandal that has rocked his administration. Critics of the new report, however, pointed out that not only did it find Christie to be completely without fault with respect to the Bridgegate allegations, but it also made several other findings that called into question its objectivity.
For example, the report states that “despite what you might think, Christie is not fat at all. We just don’t see it. In fact, we found him to be thin. And quite attractive and dignified. Almost like someone you’d put in your Presidential Cablinet. Yeah – almost exactly like that.” Such statements have led to speculation that the report was created as a thinly veiled attempt to support Christie’s ambition to serve in the Trump Administration.
Critics point to a footnote that states:
“Not to go too far off the beam here, but wouldn’t Christie be a great help to the new president? We’d sure like to see him go clean up Washington. Are we right?”
It also seemed to downplay the Governor’s reputation as a bully.
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Christie expressed satisfaction with the report.
“I’m glad that this clears the whole thing up and that I’ve been completely exonerated,” he said. “I was confident that the report would say what it did. Really confident. I mean, it cost a million bucks, right?”
When asked about the effusive praise the report appears to heap on him, Christie was blunt.
“Listen numbnuts,” he grumbled. “I can’t help it if I’m f—in awesome. Besides, the only thing I care about is that the dipshits that voted for Trump are going to eat this up all day long.”