adminFormer Speaker of the House John Boehner ended years of speculation today by acknowledging what has been widely rumored since he ascended to the Speakership. Today his office issued a statement in which the Bonner admitted that he is an Orange-American.
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“I have denied who I am for too long,” the statement read in part. “I felt that I had to be something I was not. I didn’t believe that the world would accept me as I am. I don’t ask for your acceptance, I only ask for your understanding and compassion.”
Reaction in the Orange community was mixed.
“I don’t know how Orange he really is,” said Paul McAlister, an Orange-rights leader and head of militant OrangePeople Really Are Hot or OPRAH. “I mean, he’s maybe peach,” McAlister said dismissively. “But personally, I don’t really believe he’s gone full carrot.”
Boehner’s announcement immediately sparked questions about his long-held stance against orange marriage.
“The Speaker’s personal situation has no bearing on his policy stance against Orange marriage,” his spokesperson said in response to our inquiry. “Two orange parents? I don’t think anyone wants to see that. The kids would end up looking like pumpkins.”